Filling the gaps in local knowledge since 1933<< previous    next >>    Issue 2

Chemist loses way

News

pharmacist Local pharmacist Raymond Z went into the local medical centre for a routine minor procedure before becoming totally lost in the back streets of Elston. What was to be a twenty minute distraction became a two hour ordeal for the 39 year old father of two. "I must have exited via the side entrance, and since the street looked very similar to the one I entered from, I became quite disoriented. At first I thought my car might have been stolen, but then I noticed a Seven Eleven where there wasn't one before."

Raymond committed a classical error, said the head of Elston Emergency Services, Peter Pater. "Instead of taking stock of the situation and retracing his steps, he blundered on, worsening his predicament."

Finally Raymond hit a main road, and asked directions at the local Service Station. His final comment: "Elston's a nice place, but they're mean streets when you don't know where you are."

Mayor secretary intruder scare

News

Jane Reamer, secretary to the Elston Mayor, had a scary encounter this week with an uninvited guest.

"I was taking off my clothes", said the attractive five-foot-five brunette "before stepping into the shower when I could feel eyes boring into me. I looked up and sure enough there it was: a big, hairy spider!" Jane then waved her arms about and the spider scuttled off. But she is concerned. "He now knows where I live", she said solemnly.

Jane later told her boss that it was "like being visited by Chewbacker, but with more eyes and legs."

Wine tasting

Lifestyle

wine With Elston's annual wine tasting coming up, host Michael de Vignier encourages Elstonites to "read up a little on your wine". Good advice, it seems, as in previous years most of the interesting vintages have remained untouched, with many locals repeatedly requesting "OP Bundy" or "that classy Crown Lager". Michael is quick to point out that these are not in fact wines of any kind. "But it's still a lot of fun", Mr de Vignier told the Elston Gazette this week.

However, a spokesperson for the Elston Temperance League told the Gazette early this week "it's just not good enough".

Survey

Careers

"What do you want to be when you grow up?" the Elston Gazette asked several of our future leaders in a recent survey. Typical of the answers given was "a fireman!" by 5 year old Gavin H Johns.

Well the Gazette was there to make young Gavin's dream come true, and arranged for him to accompany the local team on one of their call-outs.

As it turned out, it was quite an event, with two residents burnt to death and an elderly woman treated for smoke inhalation. While Gavin was unable to render any useful assistance in such a situation, he wore a helmet throughout the incident and "remained quite plucky" according to one of the volunteer firefighters.

Dodgers get up

Sport

softball Elston's premier softball team, The Downtown Dodgers, narrowly dodged defeat by winning their first matches of the season in a play-off against the B and C teams. "People often underestimate the Bs," said Dodgers captain Mark Banitz, "but when team honour's at stake, you can be sure you've got a competition on your hands." The DDs, as they're affectionately known locally, head off to play another pre-season trial against a Barbarians-style team formed from the pick of several softball teams in the far western wheat belt.

Crock of ages

Music

In a significant role reversal, a local garbo-turned musician will be creating rubbish rather than collecting it. He is to perform some of his his unique instrumentals at the Casborough Weekend Markets. Roy "Boy" Romero tells the Elston Gazette that all his instruments are made solely from garbage he has collected from his years as a council Sanitary Engineer. "When people hear what I do, they assume some sort of percussive thing with garbage tin lids, and maybe a washtub bass from an empty bin. But who throws away a rubbish bin, eh?"

Bike Crush

Travel

bike crush One of our readers, Kate G, sent in this picture of an unfortunate mishap by one of Elston's senior citizens. It appears the elderly gent was embarking on a relaxing bicycle ride; a little too relaxing, perhaps! He has obviously fallen asleep, crushing his bike and becoming a road hazard. Constable Snipes of the Elston Police Highway Patrol suggested that the more senior bicycle enthusiasts should consider "upgrading to tricycles".

Markets

Information

Readers please note that the Casborough Weekend Markets will be opening late this weekend due to refuse that appears to have been dumped near the central plaza. Elston Council Pest Control department has declared the area to be unsanitary due to the proliferation of rats, mice and European backpackers. Normal business should resume following the clean-up.