Filling the gaps in local knowledge since 1933<< previous    next >>    Issue 4

Heirloom discovery


A mop similar to the one discovered by the Newingtons Local family the Newingtons were thrilled to discover an ancient artifact right beneath them in the family home. "We were doing a bit of a clean-out of the basement with a view to building a media room," a scion of the Newington line, Ray Newington told the Elston Gazette.

"Ray called me down to the cellar," wife Maureen began. "He seemed excited about something." To her surprise, Ray was to be seen on his knees, gently dusting what appeared to be a narrow rod protruding from a dusty corner. "We think we can trace it back to my great-grandmother, Beatrice Newington. I believe it could be her first cotton and timber mop; the very one she used to clean the kitchen in the family home," Ray continued. "I guess discovery of the bucket would be way too much to hope for."

Building outrage


outrage East Elston residents have formed the East Elston Progress Association to prevent further development in what they say is "a rapidly diminishing paradise." Cause of the outrage can be traced to plans, apparently leaked to EEPA, of high rise development which the group believes is just the "tip of the iceberg". Nigel Goreman, group spokesperson, attributes this feeling to the information - from reliable sources - that this building is part of a greater project code-named "Simcity". "I have absolutely no doubt that there is more to follow if we don't nip this in the bud," Mr Goreman told the Elston Gazette.

Deputy Mayor sex harassment scandal

Breaking news

Controversial Deputy Mayor Max Holiday appears to be embroiled in yet another scandal, this time after a ceremonial appearance at the Elston Annual International Dog Show. Differing versions of events have surfaced, but an anonymous source told the Gazette that he was using "inappropriate language" when commenting on some of the entrants.

In what appears to be the time-honoured "taken out of context" defence, Holiday claimed "I was at a dog show, and I was using dog terminology".

Investigations are continuing.

Theo makes move


sus Local business identity Theo X has announced that he'll be challenging the Mayor at the next elections. When asked what prompted him to announce his candidature so early, Mr X said "What do you mean by that?" It was then put to the prominent ex-Sydney businessman and developer that there were some reservations about his methods - he had a string of well-insured buildings he owned burn to the ground shortly after each had a heritage listing slapped on it by the council - Theo retorted "It's an election, not a popularity contest."

Whites excited

Global news

Whites across the Americas are jubilant at finally getting a half-white president. "This has been a long time coming," was a typical sentiment from Mr Jones-Morgan, a newsagent and Red Sox supporter. While America's favourite son predictably has a father of African descent, his mother has noticably white characteristics, and even sports a few freckles. "We're claiming him as our own," said white activist and campaign supporter Shiela Even Jr.

But there are those out there who see the candidate's very whiteness a handicap to election. "I dunno... their food's so boring," said electronics salesman Roy Estrada.

Fishing report


With "Little" Big Jim Gnacker

Well this Sat'dy mornin' if you want to get down to the Broady I'd suggest goin' to The Bank, drop some dingers on the bomby and shoot for piffies 'n you won't be pullin' up skint. Or lurch for dollies and crab for jack in the far channel of the Old Clang. Bag 'em and tag em, but don't eat em, as you'll have the relo's coughing up for hozzy bills in no time flat. yum Well good luck, and here's the Catch of the Week.

Dog of the week


all brains This charming little pooch is called, not surprisingly, "Brains". And we reckon this lovable critter really is all brains. Thanks to Jezz Briton and his great aunt for the fabulous pic.

Whack that ball


Health authorities recommend a bit of golf to keep the blood pumping, and what better place to do it than the Elston Municipal International Golf Course! Seven holes of pure exhilaration. puff