Filling the gaps in local knowledge since 1933<< last issue    next >>    Issue 1

Average surf


average surf Locals report that the surf so far this week has been extremely average. "I can't remember when I've seen it this average", says local surf enthusiast Kane Mello. The good news is that busloads of cashed-up tourists have been flocking to the beach to witness the most average conditions in living memory. "Asa yawa naka", one tourist is quoted as saying as she emerged from the bus and proceeded to take snaps.

Meteorologist Neville Boorman from the Department of Meteorology confirmed locals' observations, pointing to statistical print-outs. When asked what the difference was between a comet and a meteor, he replied "that's not my department".

Lifesavers report "no incidents".

Local agents upbeat


Real estate agents in Elston County are expecting a good year as the town becomes known as a relaxing holiday destination. "There are clear indications that there is outside interest in Elston as a travel destination and a place where families can work, rest and play," local agent Fielding Menn told the Elston Gazette this week.

Head of the local Real Estate Agents Guild, Shirley Void, confirms this, saying enquiries are "up significantly".

However, a spokesperson for Social Wellbeing Elston, Harrie G. Warmeing, warns that this could put "upward pressure on low-cost rentals".



"Thanks to the Elston Gazette, we have no need for any other newspapers!" writes reader John Morney. And we can't disagree, with the new-look Gazette carrying even more updates of local and international interest. Thanks, John!



There's been another sighting of an image of the Virgin Mary, this time at the local Bi-Lo carpark, by Mr and Mrs D, of Newfields. "A woman was loading her hatchback when the trolley started to roll away," Mr D explained. Mrs D continued: "as she reached for the trolley she dropped the eggs. There was a clear image of Mother Mary. The yolks were the eyes. She looked angry."

Leopards invade Elston!


Well, not your regular leopards perhaps, but locals are troubled by a proliferation of Leopard Slugs, which seem intent on populating local gardens and pathways. Council patrols are at the ready.

Your say


Should fat people park closer to the curb? Have your say. commentator of bulk

Mayor opens new museum


Illustrating Elston's coming of age as a sophisticated, cosmopolitan region, the Mayor lifted the veil on the plaque of the Elston Moth Museum early this week. "This is Elston's first full-blown museum since Larry's Reptile World opened in 1959", the Mayor confirmed in his introduction. "Moths, or Lepidoptera as they're known by their botanical name", the Mayor explained, "can range from small to large, from light grey to brownish grey. Elston now boasts one of the most comprehensive collections we've ever heard of", said the Mayor to an enthusiastic student gathering.

Hot sticks


Local team The Elston Hockeysticks are playing in a local game this weekend, and appear to be going from strength to strength. Last week they successfully completed a tour of the local area, coming away victorious in many cases, including two wins by default where the opposing teams could not provide an available field. Go grrlz!

New crime wave?

Law and order

threatened ice cream vendor Police are bracing for a crime wave with the expected temperature increases as Elston moves into summer. Ice cream street-vendors are particularly vulnerable during peak holiday periods.

Top Mars job for local


Born in Elston, Jim Rabis is now literally mixing it with the stars. As the new Chief Administrator of the D'el D'ai settlement, Jim has several initiatives on his agenda. "Raising the airdome in the outdoor sports arena is a top priority, as is the long-overdue banning of lead cricket balls", Jim told the Elston Gazette after his appointment.



For the latest parking information in Elston, please check the sides of the roads. Usually there are many opportunities for the eagle-eyed motorist.

Remain alert for adiposity. Maps are provided. parking for the future