Filling the gaps in local knowledge since 1933<< previous    first issue >>    Issue 11

The ol' star factory


In a first for a local TV station, channel 1 is promoting the premier of So You Think You Can Smell, a fabulous reality-TV-quiz-contest format that may even star an Elston local. So You Think You Can Smell will feature some of the best smellers in the country, having it out for the title of Big Smeller.

"Some people can really smell", an executive producer of the show told The Gazette by landline this week, "and we're providing them the forum to show their stuff".

New security system


In a world first, local Elston inventor Malcom Middleton has developed a security device that will "keep the thieves right at bay; oh yes indeed".

The clever system, being marketed by Elston Reality And Forthrightness Pty Ltd, features a siren that "just doesn't quit". Householders will be excited to know that this device, if triggered, will wail at a volume rated at the decibel level of a 747 hitting the tarmac at 100 metres, and keep going for weeks on end if, for example, the occupants are on extended vacation. "This will scare off not only those who triggered the alarm but any other would-be thieves contemplating doing the place over," a spokesperson for ERAF Pty Ltd told The Gazette. "Our other feature product," he/she/it continued, "is the non-stop car alarm, which has similar benefits. It doesn't matter how sound a sleeper you are, this one will wake you with a jolt, and you can forget about getting back to sleep until the car owner resets it. Nobody's going to go near that car and the owner can rest assured that the neighbours won't sleep until he's seen to the problem."

Another innovative feature of both the house and car alarm is the way it automatically triggers for about 20 seconds whenever it is enabled or disabled. "So even if there's no attempted break-in", the thing said, the alarm will shriek for a few cycles upon entry or exit, just to let everyone know that there's some serious security happening."

Elston in pictures


This week we provide for you some amazing pictures of life in Elston. Elston wasn't always a dumpy hole in the ground we'll have you know. Enjoy!

Great accommodation

Visitors to Elston can get a real feel for the neighbourhood by staying at this typical Elston luxury beach home. Class


Top quality parking is a feature of Elston. Right here


Wining and dining in exotic outdoor locations is a must-do in Elston. Wow, like yum! And where does IE get off?