Chemist loses way
News
Local pharmacist Raymond Z went into the local medical centre for a routine minor procedure
before becoming totally lost in the back streets of Elston. What was to be a twenty minute
distraction became a two hour ordeal for the 39 year old father of two. "I must have exited
via the side entrance, and since the street looked very similar to the one I entered from, I
became quite disoriented. At first I thought my car might have been stolen, but then I noticed
a Seven Eleven where there wasn't one before."
Raymond committed a classical error, said the head of Elston Emergency Services, Peter Pater.
"Instead of taking stock of the situation and retracing his steps, he blundered on, worsening
his predicament."
Finally Raymond hit a main road, and asked directions at the local Service Station. His final
comment: "Elston's a nice place, but they're mean streets when you don't know where you are."
Mayor secretary intruder scare
News
Jane Reamer, secretary to the Elston Mayor, had a scary encounter this week with an uninvited guest.
"I was taking off my clothes", said the attractive five-foot-five brunette "before stepping into the shower
when I could feel eyes boring into me. I looked up and sure enough there it was: a big, hairy spider!"
Jane then waved her arms about and the spider scuttled off. But she is concerned. "He now knows where I live",
she said solemnly.
Jane later told her boss that it was "like being visited by Chewbacker, but with
more eyes and legs."
Wine tasting
Lifestyle
With Elston's annual wine tasting coming up, host Michael de Vignier encourages Elstonites
to "read up a little on your wine". Good advice, it seems, as in previous years most of
the interesting vintages have remained untouched, with many locals repeatedly requesting
"OP Bundy" or "that classy Crown Lager". Michael is quick to point out that these are not
in fact wines of any kind. "But it's still a lot of fun", Mr de Vignier told the Elston
Gazette this week.
However, a spokesperson for the Elston Temperance League told the Gazette early this week
"it's just not good enough".
Survey
Careers
"What do you want to be when you grow up?" the Elston Gazette asked several of our future
leaders in a recent survey. Typical of the answers given was "a fireman!" by 5 year old Gavin
H Johns.
Well the Gazette was there to make young Gavin's dream come true, and arranged for him to
accompany the local team on one of their call-outs.
As it turned out, it was quite an event,
with two residents burnt to death and an elderly woman treated for smoke inhalation. While
Gavin was unable to render any useful assistance in such a situation, he wore a helmet throughout
the incident and "remained quite plucky" according to one of the volunteer firefighters.
Filling the gaps in local knowledge since 1933<< previous next >> Issue 2
Elston's premier softball team, The Downtown Dodgers, narrowly dodged defeat by winning their first
matches of the season in a play-off against the B and C teams. "People often underestimate the Bs," said
Dodgers captain Mark Banitz, "but when team honour's at stake, you can be sure you've got a competition
on your hands." The DDs, as they're affectionately known locally, head off to play another
pre-season trial against a Barbarians-style team formed from the pick of several softball teams
in the far western wheat belt.
One of our readers, Kate G, sent in this picture of an unfortunate mishap by one of
Elston's senior citizens. It appears the elderly gent was embarking on a relaxing bicycle ride;
a little too relaxing, perhaps! He has obviously fallen asleep, crushing his bike and becoming
a road hazard. Constable Snipes of the Elston Police Highway Patrol suggested that the more senior bicycle enthusiasts
should consider "upgrading to tricycles".