Filling the gaps in local knowledge since 1933<< previous    final issue >>    Issue 10

Tardis resized


While everyone knows the Tardis as a very roomy spaceship inside a rather small shell, it has finally been decided that the show's creaters can no longer live a lie. "While molecular mass can be collapsed inside the phone box to easily accommodate a football field, much less a boutique time travel shop, or alternatively space can be "borrowed" from another connected dimensional field, the forces on human bodies making the transition in such a short space would be devastating," producer Marty McMc told the Gazette's foreign correspondent Gordon Worthington Appleby III recently. There would need to be a 'run-up' for the average healthy occupant of about 300 million kilometers, which means the Tardis would by necessity require a diameter over 200 times that of our sun. "This seriously diminishes the spatial benefits of a phone box," said Mr McMc said.

The new realistically-dimensioned phone box time machine means that occupants will be rather cramped. "This throws up significant production issues," Mr McMc told MistyWorthyBlappyBlahBlah3, "but opens up new opportunities. In such a cramped space it's important for the protagonists to gel, so we're looking at Madonna as Dr Who with Britney Spears as her side-kick. They seem to like each other."

Collective groan


Surplus groans would become a thing of the past thanks to a new business founded by Elston entrepreneur Fats Grogan. The new business will monitor reports of obstinate or redundant collections of groans. "Groans tend to coalesce," Mr Grogan told the Elston Gazette "and so can form quite a dense mass. While this mass is not subject to gravitational forces, it has significant inertia, making it quite difficult for the average householder to do anything about it." The Elston Groan Dispersal Unit is on constant standby.

Ancient scrolls discovered


blank sheet A startling discovery was made this week in the dunes of Elston. Archaeology enthusiast Mumfield Bishop-Saratoga discovered an intact set of scrolls. "An even bigger surprise," Mumfield told Gazette cub reporter Trixy Weathergirl "is the fact that they're entirely blank. Perhaps we've chanced upon an 'istoric stationary shop."

Car park too big


Elston resident and chairperson of the local chapter of the Real Estate Agents Guild, Shirley Void, this week phoned the Elston Gazette, irate over a new carpark she had tried for the first time that was apparently "ridiculously oversized". Mzzz Void went on: "When I go into a car park, I expect to simply park my BMW coupe and step into the shop; not to be driving around for hours finding an empty space, then having to navigate my way into the store, only to be confronted with myriad choices as to where my car may be when I'm finished. I'll be taking this further," Void promised. Car park staff were busy and unavailable for comment.

Flat memories


Local taxidermist Farouk Milan has developed a technique he calls "2D taxidermy", which he claims is far easier to mount and carries the benefit of greater space saving. "I fold out the deceased animal, a little like a flat depiction of a globe, such as you see in atlases," Farouk told the Gazette this week. "Then it's just a matter of choosing your mounting frame and up it goes - pride of place - on your wall."

Stuck in 1D

More pets

Still on the subject of pets and dimensions, cute Doberman Poodle cross, Angel Wings, found herself trapped in the first dimension recently. Apparently she'd lost her way on a sniffing expedition and fell out of the Cartesian system altogether. "It's no fun being stuck on the Y axis," said local animal welfare volunteer Ross Hunt, "since you're on your own in a big long line." Angel Wings is being fed Nano-Snax while emergency services figure out what to do.

Enclosure nothing special


Ho-hum In a world first, inhabitants of the new primate enclosure at the Elston Zoo were asked to comment on their new environment. "Nothing special", "OK I guess", and "rather pedestrian" were typical of the comments.

Climate changing

In brief

With the changing of the seasons upon us, it looks like we should be expecting a change of climate as well. "We can certainly expect some changes," said Elston weather, bird and snail watcher Elvin Pippin. "And that won't be the last of it," he confirmed.



Another satisfied Elston Gazette reader writes in this week that she is "extremely satisfied" with our publication. "Unlike so many things in this dreadful day and age," Maureen M writes "the Elston Gazette truly stands out as a journal that gives no offence whatsoever." We couldn't agree more, Ms M! The winning entry this week gets a signed photograph of a budgerigar.



Prominent Elston beeologist Doctor Stuart Gregory has warned residents that bees - not possums - are "out there to make honey." Residents are advised not to interrupt Canasta games.