Tardis resized

Television

While everyone knows the Tardis as a very roomy spaceship inside a rather small shell, it has finally been decided that the show's creaters can no longer live a lie. "While molecular mass can be collapsed inside the phone box to easily accommodate a football field, much less a boutique time travel shop, or alternatively space can be "borrowed" from another connected dimensional field, the forces on human bodies making the transition in such a short space would be devastating," producer Marty McMc told the Gazette's foreign correspondent Gordon Worthington Appleby III recently. There would need to be a 'run-up' for the average healthy occupant of about 300 million kilometers, which means the Tardis would by necessity require a diameter over 200 times that of our sun. "This seriously diminishes the spatial benefits of a phone box," said Mr McMc said.

The new realistically-dimensioned phone box time machine means that occupants will be rather cramped. "This throws up significant production issues," Mr McMc told MistyWorthyBlappyBlahBlah3, "but opens up new opportunities. In such a cramped space it's important for the protagonists to gel, so we're looking at Madonna as Dr Who with Britney Spears as her side-kick. They seem to like each other."

Collective groan

Science

Surplus groans would become a thing of the past thanks to a new business founded by Elston entrepreneur Fats Grogan. The new business will monitor reports of obstinate or redundant collections of groans. "Groans tend to coalesce," Mr Grogan told the Elston Gazette "and so can form quite a dense mass. While this mass is not subject to gravitational forces, it has significant inertia, making it quite difficult for the average householder to do anything about it." The Elston Groan Dispersal Unit is on constant standby.