Filling the gaps in local knowledge since 1933<< previous    next >>    Issue 9

Fare "best ever"


Elston cabbie Alistaire McCarsky reports getting his best ever fare recently. "He left a gorgeous brunette in high heels and a cocktail dress at the curb to get into my cab," he breathlessly told Elston Gazette cadet reporter Rick Easel. "The ride went like a dream, and he was real down-to-earth. He sat in the front and said 'mate' a lot." When asked what sort of a tipper he was, Alistair said "Excellent! He left a good tip. Well, he was going to, but he was out of change. Next time, he said, he'd have some decent cash. And I believe him. That flash brunette fleeced him I bet."

Recovery expected


An almost-complete recovery is expected for well-liked Elston Real Estate agent Ronnie "Red" Rawlins. Fighting under the pseudonym "Agent Orange", he made the wrestling semi-finals at the annual Elston Big Weekend fundraiser. Red took on Samoan-born enthusiast "The Reductionist", who lists his day job as "Corpse Grinder". Crowd favourite Agent Orange had hoped to use his one-hundred and thirty kilogram deficit to his advantage, expecting that it would give him the edge in speed and flexibility. However, having dodged The Reductionist for a good thirty seconds, he was finally caught and "balled up like a piece of wastpaper" in the Agent's own words.

Industry struggles


The local wringer-washer manufacturing industry is set to take a dive after revelations that consumers are no longer interested in wringer-washers. "It's such a shame," manager of Wringers Galore, Hans Wringer, told the Gazette.

Pants shortage

In brief

Local stores complain.



Answers remain elusive.

3 2 many


These days, with an environmenal policy that finely balances nature against the ravages of humanity, constant surveillance is demanded. For this reason, head of local chapter of Gaia's Calling, Biggles Rudiment, says that three trees need to be removed from Elston's leafy Beach Park, as there is now a surplus of oxygen. "All in a day's work," Biggles told the Gazette. a tree too far

Bottoms away


Local Elston favourite Johnny Marmite has landed the job of his career. "Modeling is a very specialised field these days," Johnny told veteran Gazette reporter Frank Storage. So Johnny M was thrilled when he was asked by his agency to become a bottom model. "It's challenging work. You have to keep that butt in top shape 24/7." Johnny will shortly be embarking on a modeling tour that takes in Sydney, San Francisco, Barcelona and Bangkok. "Here, let me show you my portfolio," Johnny suggested. "Maybe some other time," Frank replied.

Brave best friend


brave pooch The Canard family of North Elston are forever grateful to their beloved pooch Rascal, who alerted them when little Amy Canard became stuck in the bathroom. "We were watching TV after dinner," Amy's mum told the Gazette "and suddenly Rascal went crazy outside, just barking and barking." Apparently at that moment their son Tom arrived home on his mountain bike and asked "where's Amy?"