Filling the gaps in local knowledge since 1933<< previous    next >>    Issue 3

Paint job mystery


how? The manager of Elston's trendy Central Icecream Agency arrived at work on Monday and plunged straight into a mystery worthy of Roald Dahl. The rear wall of the building, near where Tom Lichen parks his late model Toyota Camry, was an entirely different colour from that which he last saw when he left the building after his Saturday morning shift.

"It was like being transported to another dimension," Tom told the Elston Gazette. "One minute you have a wall done in a light pastel green suggestive of a creamy mint flavour - albeit a little soiled and peeling - the next thing blue! What flavour could that represent anyway?"

When asked whether there was a chance that the landlord had arranged for the wall to be painted over the weekend, Tom replied "It's possible. Anything's possible I guess."

Beer too cold


Arthur "Artie" Smorth is not the complaining type. Like many Elston old-timers, he's seen a lot of changes, but nothing much ruffles his feathers. A laconic quip is about all Artie's going to give away, and even that might cost you a beer or two. Unless, that is, it's a beer that was pulled at the Oxhead Arms last Thursday at about 6:53 PM. "A beer's a beer, and it's gotta be right," Artie says in his inimitable way. The fact is that a junior temp worker had just come on shift and inadvertently interfered with the thermostat. In a possible first for Elston, patrons complained that the beer was actually too cold.

"Hard to believe I'd ever hear meself sayin' this," Artie told the Elston Gazette after the incident " I love a cold beer as much as the next bloke, but that darned beer was colder than a man should have to drink."

Staff have been disciplined and new checks and balances have since been put in place. "It's an incident we'd like to put behind us" said the Arms' night manager.

Robot pests


ex shoe cleaner Council authorities are increasingly concerned with the tendency of some Elston domestic robot owners to simply turn them loose when they are overaged or faulty. "It appears that some owners can't bear the thought of them going to the recycler. They get quite attached" said an unnamed spokesperson.

However, these free-range bots, eager to please, end up pestering people on the street and in shops. "Every morning on the way to the bus stop" said an elderly local "this thing comes at me trying to buff my shoes. I don't want my shoes buffed. I now have to go the long way to avoid it." Local short-order cook Earl Diva complains that "there's this one that keeps coming into my kitchen and cleaning up. It may sound good, but you can't cook fast food when everything's put away all the time."

Revival of favourites


wet country One of Elston's favourite revival bands, the Creedence Clearwater Revival Revival is to be revived by a band of popular local musicians probably more familiar to Elston residents as the Hot Twinkles.

Frontman Hoss Twinkle explained to the Gazette "the original revival band was so popular with locals, we decided to form a revival band of them rather than of the original Fogarty-based Creedence Clearwater Revival."

Creedence Clearwater Revival Revival Revival plays nightly at the Horse and Penny on Ocean Street.

Drugs blight Elston's youth


buzz? In an unprecedented move, the Mayor of Elston has called a meeting of "the utmost urgency" in an effort to curb the youth of Elston's escalating abuse of drugs.

"In my day you just forged ahead" said the Mayor, a decorated ex-scoutmaster. "Nowadays, the slightest discomfort and it's straight for the Panadol - or even Tylenol. And what's with these energy drinks? Are they supposed to give you some sort of buzz?"

Money increases


money, yes Heavy hitting financial reporter Dana Sprigg, who spent a summer vacation right here in Elston with her parents, warns that there is an increasing amount of money on the streets. This proliferation of money, reports Dana, is likely to fuel transactions, leading to an increase in paperwork for the nation's accountants and book-keepers.

A straw poll conducted by the Elston Gazette this week seemed to confirm this, with 3 out of 5 respondents claiming that they either have more money in their wallet or purse now than before, or at least earlier in the day they did. The replies were typified by local Ab-Blaster agent, Joy Pearce, who said "I'd say I have more now, or at least I did this morning."