Filling the gaps in local knowledge since 1933<< previous next >> Issue 4
Heirloom discovery
Archaeology
Local family the Newingtons were thrilled to discover an ancient
artifact right beneath them in the family home. "We were doing a bit
of a clean-out of the basement with a view to building a media room,"
a scion of the Newington line, Ray Newington told the Elston Gazette.
"Ray called me down to the cellar," wife Maureen began. "He seemed
excited about something." To her surprise, Ray was to be seen on his
knees, gently dusting what appeared to be a narrow rod protruding
from a dusty corner. "We think we can trace it back to my great-grandmother,
Beatrice Newington. I believe it could be her first cotton and timber mop; the
very one she used to clean the kitchen in the family home," Ray continued.
"I guess discovery of the bucket would be way too much to hope for."
Building outrage
Property
East Elston residents have formed the East Elston Progress Association
to prevent further development in what they say is "a rapidly diminishing
paradise." Cause of the outrage can be traced to plans, apparently leaked
to EEPA, of high rise development which the group believes is just the
"tip of the iceberg". Nigel Goreman, group spokesperson, attributes this
feeling to the information - from reliable sources - that this building
is part of a greater project code-named "Simcity". "I have absolutely
no doubt that there is more to follow if we don't nip this in the bud,"
Mr Goreman told the Elston Gazette.
Deputy Mayor sex harassment scandal
Breaking news
Controversial Deputy Mayor Max Holiday appears to be embroiled in yet another scandal, this time after a ceremonial appearance at the Elston Annual International Dog Show. Differing versions of events have surfaced, but an anonymous source told the Gazette that he was using "inappropriate language" when commenting on some of the entrants. In what appears to be the time-honoured "taken out of context" defence, Holiday claimed "I was at a dog show, and I was using dog terminology". Investigations are continuing.Theo makes move
Politics
Local business identity Theo X has announced that he'll be challenging
the Mayor at the next elections. When asked what prompted him to
announce his candidature so early, Mr X said "What do you mean by that?"
It was then put to the prominent ex-Sydney businessman and developer
that there were some reservations about his methods - he had a string
of well-insured buildings he owned burn to the ground shortly after
each had a heritage listing slapped on it by the council -
Theo retorted "It's an election, not a popularity contest."
Whites excited
Global news
Whites across the Americas are jubilant at finally getting a half-white president. "This has been a long time coming," was a typical sentiment from Mr Jones-Morgan, a newsagent and Red Sox supporter. While America's favourite son predictably has a father of African descent, his mother has noticably white characteristics, and even sports a few freckles. "We're claiming him as our own," said white activist and campaign supporter Shiela Even Jr. But there are those out there who see the candidate's very whiteness a handicap to election. "I dunno... their food's so boring," said electronics salesman Roy Estrada.Fishing report
Recreation
With "Little" Big Jim Gnacker
Well this Sat'dy mornin' if you want to get down to the Broady I'd suggest goin' to The Bank, drop some dingers on the bomby and shoot for piffies 'n you won't be pullin' up skint. Or lurch for dollies and crab for jack in the far channel of the Old Clang. Bag 'em and tag em, but don't eat em, as you'll have the relo's coughing up for hozzy bills in no time flat.
Well good luck, and here's the Catch of the Week.
Dog of the week
Pets
This charming little pooch is called, not surprisingly, "Brains".
And we reckon this lovable critter really is all brains. Thanks
to Jezz Briton and his great aunt for the fabulous pic.
Whack that ball
Health
Health authorities recommend a bit of golf to keep the blood pumping, and what better place to do it than the Elston Municipal International Golf Course! Seven holes of pure exhilaration.