Filling the gaps in local knowledge since 1933<< previous next >> Issue 5
Disabled outrage
Sport
Local sporting entrepreneur Dale Maxis has caused ructions in
Elston's Disability Support Forum by proposing a sporting
event the DSF considers to be "in poor taste".
Maxis Corp has purchased naming rights and is lining up sponsors
for an event it has termed "The Limpics". DSF spokesperson
Charlene Cotter asks the Elston Gazette "is this some sort of
joke?"
But according to the Maxis Corp's publicity officer "Laddy" Strudel,
it's anything but a joke. "It's all very well to have paraplegics
in carbon fibre racing wheelchairs and massive powerful torsos,
or amputees with bionic titanium limbs and fancy protein shakes, but
what about the rest of us, eh?"
According to Mr Strudel "there is an entire section of the sporting
community disenfranchised by these elites and their technology.
What about the bloke with the bung hip or the gammy hand? The sheila with the crook knee?
And what about the guy who's so fat he can barely get out of bed? Who's gonna say to
him he can't have a go at the hundred metre steeplechase?"
Tax not popular
Business
It's official: Elston businesses are fed up with paying tax. In a recent survey by the Elston Gazette, ten out of ten business said they'd "prefer not to pay tax." "If I added up the amount of tax reductions we've all been promised over the years, I figure we'd by now be into negative tax, getting money put into our accounts by the government," was a typical comment accompanying the answers to the survey questions. Local surfer Guy Reach, who also runs a small business selling "consumables", said if it weren't for his disability support pension it would be "difficult to stay afloat."Cottage mystery
Local news
There have been reports of sightings of a mysterious character at
Elston's historic "Emoh Ruo" Cottage on the Old Cordial Factory Road.
Some are concerned that there's a peeping Tom. The Elston Heights
Ladies Tennis Club, who recently had a Hen's night there, called
the Elston Police no less than three times during festivities. "He
was young, tall and wasn't wearing a shirt" said one eyewitness.
When interviewed, some staff at a recent bonding session for Dave's
Timber Supplies said they "may have seen something" but weren't sure.
A spokesperson for the group, loading dock attendant Reese Wyman,
told the Gazette "I didn't actually see any peeping Tom, but if
I did I would have smashed his face in."
Ape makes waves
Local news
Opinion on frequent encounters with an ape around Elston is mixed. Some think the ape is too audacious for its own good. Resident Charlene Partridge first spotted the ape in a pear tree in her back yard, crunching on some of the unripe fruit. "We made eye contact and he just looked at me as if to say 'Do you have a problem?'" Charlene also tells the Elston Gazette that the ape's tendency to "go to the bathroom in trees" does create certain hazards. Nick from Nick the Greengrocer told the Gazette "He just walked in and helped himself to a banana. Now that's all very well, but I've got a business to run, and last I checked, apes don't carry wallets." But a spokesperson for local pro-animal group Furry Friends, Jemima Crystal, believes that "There is an arbitrary division between us and apes," which is "simply an artifact of consumer-driven capitalism" and that "barriers are being broken down. We're seeing that apes really are just people without credit." Landscape gardener Dave Mason reports regular encounters with the ape in his line of work. "I don't really have a problem with him," he said to the Gazette "but I've got to say he doesn't smell too flash."Seacrest Park makeover
Real estate
Popular local caravan park Seacrest is about to undergo a multi-dollar makeover, funded entirely from Saturday afternoon raffle sales. "This is the first major development in the park since its foundation," manager Tim Grist told the Gazette. "It's very exciting," said one resident who wished to remain anonymous. "All the lattice skirts under the caravans are to be eventually repainted and the administration office is getting new carpet." But some long term residents are wary. "The last thing we want here is a hoard of tourists," said one, who identified herself as "Jan, just Jan."Holiday Tips
Recreation
Elston residents are urged to use caution on the road this coming long weekend. "Perhaps it's because of the festivities," said Sargeant Snipes of the Elston Highway Patrol "but you wouldn't believe the number of motorists who head off without a full tank of petrol."