Filling the gaps in local knowledge since 1933<< previous    next >>    Issue 6

Locals near death

Health

Death is not far off for Elston residents, according to prominent Elston-born scientist Professor Gertrude Finkelstein. Even the healthiest locals "aren't long for this world," the Professor told the Elston Gazette this week. "Let's say you live to one hundred," the Professor explained. "That's nothing more than a tiny sub-marker on the timeline of humanity, which in turn is far less than a miniscule blip on the galactic radar, while the galaxy itself is--" the Gazette thanked the Professor for giving up her valuable time.

Some locals are shocked and disturbed at this revelation. "There I was, looking forward to a long and rewarding life," young mother Rachael Coombs confided, nursing her six month old infant, "and now this."

Counselling will be provided.

Unidentified men roam Elston

Local news

Several Elston locals have contacted the Gazette to report sightings of a group of three (3) men of unknown age loitering around the Elston metropolitan area.

Descriptions vary, but the general consensus is that the men are very hard to describe. "The hair seems indeterminate," said one eyewitness. Another said "I can't be sure about the shape of the faces. No, not sure at all."

The only common thread in the sightings would appear to be the unanimous recollection that each of the three (3) men wore a cream suit, salmon shirt and avocado tie.

"Yes," said Elston newsagent Jim Gee, "I definitely saw a man in a cream suit with a salmon shirt and avocado tie. The others wore the same, too."

Inbox

Mail

your say "Thanks Elston Gazette, you've saved our holiday!"

So says grateful family the Snorfloughs, who were packing for their annual vacation when they read the Gazette's warning about travel preparations in the last issue.

"If I hadn't read that darned article," said family patriach Les Snorflough, "I'm sure I would've forgotten about the tank. I don't want to think about where that would have left us."

We're more than glad to help, Mr and Mrs Snorflough!

UFO on head

Science

schmystery Distraught Elston local Hillary Maplethwaite was in hysterics when she phoned the Elston Gazette crying "Get it off me! Get it off me!" The cause of Ms Maplethwaite's distress was the apparent landing of a UFO on her head.

The Gazette immediately dispatched our action reporter Tone Tenzing, but when he arrived at the site he pointed out that there didn't appear to be any sort of UFO in the vacinity of Hillary's noggin. Ms Maplethorpe glanced nervously around then heaved a sigh of relief. "Thanks goodness," she said.

Country fave returns

Music

One of Elston's favourite country singers, Chestie Rose, will be appearing at the South Elston Bowls Club on Saturday night. Chestie will be performing songs from her latest album, called, let's just say, " You Lyin' Cheatin' so-and-so." not happy

Taste untamed

Discoveries

A local Elston fossicker has come across an empty can that claims the contents consitute a "wild, untamed taste". Curious to research this claim further, our fossicking friend, Earl Luther, pocketed the can and attempted to take it straight to the CSIRO research labs.

"Very disappointing," was Earl's comment to the Elston Gazette. "You'd think a couple of cab fares, plane flights and some basic accomodation at the Canberra Regency was a small price to pay for such an opportunity."

Clarification

Information

Regarding a recent issue's article on Theo X's announced tilt at the mayorship, the Elston Gazette wishes to state for the record that in no way did it wish to imply that there was any connection between the arson attacks on Mr X's Sydney property investments and his high levels of insurance on such. The Gazette maintains that it was simply pointing out the fact that Theo X was showing himself to be a highly prudent businessman by taking out top level insurance on prime heritage-listed investments, and that this notion has been borne out repeatedly by the favourable outcomes from these unfortunate fires.

Furthermore, the Elston Gazette wishes to state for the record that this assurance was given to Mr X in person when he visited our offices accompanied by his lawyer. When asked why he was walking with a newly-acquired limp, Mr X stated "It's just a flesh wound." windfall