Filling the gaps in local knowledge since 1933<< previous next >> Issue 7

Vets remember

History

Twelve months on, many Elston veterans of the traumatic Mountain Jamboree Evacuation are still getting flashbacks and cold sweats at night.

"It's not just the cracking of thunder, the blinding flashes of lightning and the mind-numbing deluge of water," hardened Jamboree vet Reg Sickle told the Elston Gazette this week. "That relentless thwop-thwopping of the choppers pulling out all those kids from slippery, muddy campsites. It messes up the mind and haunts our dreams," a visibly shaken Mr Sickle said of his recollections while lighting up his fifth Benson and Hedges Superior Mild for the week.

"Perhaps a simple check of the weather patterns, or better still just staying at home, and this all could have been avoided," said an unsympathetic anti-Jamboree campaigner in response.

Bargains not crazy

Retailing

Reaction to Elston retail supremo Darcy Wallhammer's Weekend of Crazy Bargains has been uncharacteristically critical of late. As an example, the public relations officer for Those With Slight Differences (TWiSD), Madonna Ng, told the Elston Gazette "This cynical style of advertising is an absolute insult to insane people."

When asked what was specifically crazy about the weekend bargains, a spokesperson for Darcy Wallhammer's said "Well, we're talking up to fifty percent off. You seriously think that's not crazy?"

Customers are welcomed with a Sausage Sizzle.

In brief

Cruise not fun

Undercover agent snapped

Metal returns

Music

Favourite Hair-metal band Vas Deferens returns to Elston this week. "It's gonna be a night of raging hormones and memorable smells," says promoter Sonny Wrangle Jr. Vas Deferens are playing at the Elston Agricultural Exhibition Centre.

Celebrating 30

Events

Some residents of Elston are getting together this weekend to celebrate thirty. "Thirty seems something worth celebrating," said a spokesperson. Facepainting, a jumping castle and a petting zoo will not be put on. "Mostly just beer," the spokesperson confirmed.

Gravel rough

Council

Many Elston residents have complained that the gravel in many of the council's open-air car parks is too rough on the feet. "It's just not smooth enough," a staffer overheard some locals say. Highly controversial deputy mayor, Max Holiday, is reported to have been heard to respond "Wear shoes... idiots." Too harsh?

Fishing tips

Recreation

With "Little" Big Jim Gnacker

Wanna get yer fish without the hook? Here's how:

Bass relief

That's right, pull up the big'n and straight down the gob. Well that's all for now, and remember, keep yer end up, cobbers!

Tanning special

Health

Elston residents are being offered a super-tan at Elston Glamour Studios this week. Satisfied customer Ellen told the Gazette that she "went so dark I looked like a permanent resident of St Tropez. Next I'm doing Africa." But Ellen then warned: "The big giveaway is the palms of my hands and the soles of my feet. I can't seem to get them to tan."